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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 31, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PDT

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welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc.
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>> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive.
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all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. they make decision on what's up here. the shape of their skulls, okay. (laughter) you see phrenology tells us that if women lack a prominent occipital ridge, okay, right across this area, that means they eschew causality, a propensity seen here in the skull of this octoroon murderer. okay, now of course the simplest way to predict a woman's political leans, throw them into the river. if they float, then-- (cheers and applause) and speaking of witches, folks, halloween is right around the corner. but unfortunately, the obama
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economy means a lot of people can't afford elaborate costumes this year. in fact, many women can't even afford dignity. (laughter) so tonight i've got some ways for you to have a great halloween without busting your budget. it's time for stephen ghoul-bert's spooky time halloween fun guide. (cheers and applause) now first, folks, first, of course, will you need a big bowl of candy. and a separate big bowl of razor blades, okay. that way the kids can see that the razor blades aren't in the candy, all right. puts the parents' minds at ease. now keep in mind that a great halloween costume does not have to be expensive. for example, you just grab a little felt, okay, some glitter, a tube of glue and
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voila, now you are a kinter guard-- kindergarten teacher. oh, hey hey, that is my special guest with some more great ideas. let's go. all right. (cheers and applause) you look great. >> thank you, thank you. >> thank you, thank you very much, thank you. thank you for coming. you want some candy, tom. >> no thanks, stephen. i just shaved. >> okay. tom t is just so great for to you take time to help the kids, especially when you have a big movie opening tomorrow. >> i do? >> yeah, cloud-- the epic
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story in which the actions and consequences of our lives impact one another through the past, present and the future as one act of kindness ripples out for centuries to inspire a revolution. >> oh, cloud atlas, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, i guess that is coming out tomorrow. but you know, stephen, i'm not here to talk about me or my movies or my legacy as a living legend. (laughter) >> stephen: i didn't actually say you were a living legend. >> actually, steve, i'm here for the kids with some great, inexpensive costumes that will make for a spook-tacular halloween. here's one now. >> stephen: okay, great. >> hey. >> trick or treat. >> hey, look at that, it's a cowboy. >> yup, just a hat, some jeans, a check shirt, a vest and you are ready to ride the range, pardonner. >> there's a snake in my boot. >> stephen: give the kid some candy there, tom. >> oh, yeah, sure there you go, pally. >> stephen: thanks, buddy. there is a snake in my boot.
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that's what woody says in "toy story". >> is it? there are so many great lines in that movie. >> stephen: oh, hey, here's another idea, yeah. >> trick or treat. >> stephen: oh, wow, an astronaut, tom, tell the folks how you did this. >> this is easy, get a puffy jacket and some oven mitts, some it uper wear and sky's the limit. >> houston, we have a problem. >> stephen: okay so, this is your-- this is your character jim lovell from apollo 13. >> no, stephen, she's a girl. >> stephen: yeah, but her name tag says jim lovell. >> well, you know, he is an american hero, and oscar-denied hero. (laughter) there you go, commander. >> stephen: all right. tom-- (applause) tom, i got to say, that the costumes obviously are great but are there any costumes that are not --
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>> trick or treat. (applause) >> stephen: and what are you supposed to be. >> i'm a fedex employee. (laughter) >> stephen: okay that is clearly your character from cast away. >> nobody, it's not, hey, let's get some candy for your bucket. there you go. >> stephen: oh come on, tom, tom, tom. (applause) look at that. >> i know, i know, isn't it great. and it's so simple to makement you probably have a volleyball at your house, or just steal one from the local high school. and then just use the blood in your body, and it's a real penney pincher. >> stephen: thank you, thank you very much, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tom, that's great, but listen, if you want to talk about your movie ca remember -- >> no, no, no steph en, steve be, stephen, my career speaks for itself.
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and is available on dvd and blue ray. (applause) you know t makes a great sugar-free alternative to halloween candy which is so important, what with america's childhood obesity epidemic. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay well, okay, so so you do care about the children. >> yeah, sure, why not. >> trick or treat. >> stephen: oh, hey, well, okay, tom, i guess i stand corrected. i don't recognize any of these guys. who are all of you. >> i'm dr. goose. >> i'm isaac. >> i'm duster. >> and i'm together we are a manifestation of the same spirit through timesharing a common universal human yearning! (cheers and applause)
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who wants a dvd. >> larry crown, larry crown. >> stephen: now wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! these four kids are all the characters that you play in your new movie cloud ats will -- atlas. >> stephen, i'm insulted. i actually play two others. i know, six characters in one movie. isn't it great. >> i smell oscar buzz. (applause) >> stephen: all right, all right, all right. come on. come on. you know. >> you know, kids are so perceptive. >> stephen: tom, i'm disappointed in you. this was never about helping people. this is a cynical manipulation of innocent children to plug your movies. >> stephen, i can't control what kids like, what with their spongebob and pokemon and cloud atlas. for the love of god. >> fine, fine, fine, stephen,
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you're right. but you don't understand the pressure of being tom hanks when you're up on the top, man. they're always gunning for you. they're always gunning for you. and now i got that punk joseph gorden levitt nipping at my heels. (applause) well, i have my own responsibility, tom hanks, stephen ghoulbert spooky time is a sacred trust and you don't have one, not even one costume that is just about the kids, and not about your career. well then, i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you to leave. >> please, please, please, everybody, please, please, i'm sorry. just give me one more chance? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: okay, i'll get it. >> oh, wait-- no-- okay.
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>> trick or treat. >> stephen: and what are you? >> i'm an army man. >> stephen: and this has nothing to do with saving private ryan? >> no, stephen, it's just affordable spooky time fun. thank you for your service, kid. >> stephen: okay, scram. tom, looks like i owe you an apology. >> yes, yes, you do, stephen. >> stephen: well, i doubted your sincerity. >> what is the deal, hanks? (cheers and applause) what are you doing here? >> what am i doing here? you asked me to come down here. you said it was for charity! and then you shove me out of the way-- i got better things to do, you know.
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i could be drunk right now in a movie theatre, heckling argo. (cheers and applause) you know, i have-- ooh, candy. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tom, is there anything you would like to say? >> yes, stephen. go see cloud atlas. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tom hanks, everybody. (cheers and applause) thank you very much.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has written a book called keeping the republic, saving america by trusting americans. personally i would have put a little more america in the title. please welcome governor mitch daniels. (cheers and applause) gf never, thanks so much for coming on. good to see you. all right, are you the republican governor of indiana. >> for two more months. >> stephen: previously director of office of management and budget under george bush. senior advisor to reagan, you've been around for a long time, okay. and you've got a book here, out in paperback now called
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keeping the republic, saving america by trusting americans. so what do you mean by that? do i have to trust all americans? because my understanding is there are about 47% who are parasites. (cheers and applause) can we trust each other? >> yeah, sure. and you know, i think the point, stephen, is that democracy really only works if people are allowed to make their own decisions. and i think a lot of folks with perfectly good intentions believe that you or i maybe we're just victims, you know, and we need them to page decision for us. we might pick the wrong mortgage or the wrong credit card or the wrong health care. we might pick the wrong light bulb, you know. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> so you know-- . >> stephen: we might buy paint that has lead in it. we might drive cars that have lead in it. we might live next to a nuclear power plant that has these burdensome regulations on it, all of these dangerous things that make us victims. >> yeah, well, you know, i
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just think that-- it is more consistent first with human dignity to give people the opportunity to make choices for themselves. and i think increasingly we sort of have shrunk the zone of freedom. and there is a second dimension i should add. i think a lot of our politicians on both sides, i'm happy to say, or unhappy to admit, really don't believe americans can handle the truth about really huge problem we have, the single biggest one which is the debt we've piled up and are about to dump on the next generation. i happen to think americans can be talked to about this. and i, i will be happier when both parties are. >> stephen: now we have a surplus when bill clinton left office. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: and were george w. bush's director of management and budget. who came in and chloroformed you and stole all the money? (cheers and applause) >> well, the answer is the
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dotcom bubble broke and the money people thought was coming did not show up. wouldn't have mattered if you were president, stephen, which maybe you will be one day. >> stephen: i thought about it. >> i know. >> stephen: now you have got this book here. people, governors who release books are often testing the waters for the presidency. are you thinking about jumping in? there are 12 days left. that's longer than the entire tim pawlenty campaign. >> i wrote the book in lew, actually, of running for president myself. i was just trying to contribute a few thoughts without-- without taking that on. >> stephen: you know what this book reminded me of? >> i'm afraid to ask, but what. (laughter) >> stephen: reminds me of my book, america again. saving america, america again. rebecome the greatness we never weren't. you know what, on amazon people who buy this book often buy this book too. i'll endorse your book if
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you will endorse mine. >> done. >> stephen: ready? go buy his book. >> my wholehearted endorsement for this epic work. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, tell you what, governor, we are going to take a little break. stick around for a couple of minutes when you come back, all right. >> and if i said no. >> stephen: i would lock the door. >> yeah, okay. >> stephen: well answer right back. with governor mitch daniels. thank you sop much.
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>> stephen: welcome back. we're here with governor mitch daniels with his new book, keeping the rep eck, all right, governor daniels, you are the governor of indiana. there has been a little bit of dust up in the senate race in indiana. >> heard a rumor. >> stephen: yes, mr. mourdock has raised some hackles by saying on the sensitive issue of abortion that if someone gets pregnant from a rape, that was intended to happen by god. okay. are you endorsing pour dock for senate? >> i'm a noncombatant, actually, in deference to my new job at purdue. >> stephen: i am. >> i'm not trying to dodge the question. >> stephen: you're not trying to but are you. >> on some justification on the day i accepted the new
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job at purdue with their nonpartisan status i said i would recuse myself from anything partisan, and i have. i haven't taken any roll in the campaign for or against anybody, as sort of a vow of political celibacy. >> stephen: okay, why an more republicans taking that vow when it comes to the word "rape" because last night we talked about this on the show. okay, i'm a conservative, people have their own feelings about abortion. i have been very clear how i feel about it on this show. >> but listen, i guess i would say this and the book says this, incidentally, that this is a question, and there are others, on which people have very sincere, on both sides, and deep personal views. and we're to the going to agree about them. and frankly, i don't think anything is going to change in any direction fairly soon. >> stephen: i agree with you, abortion is a very divisive issue, people aren't going agree on it. rape we've generally agreed on in the past. rape has not been a devicive issue. (cheers and applause)
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you're actually leaving december 31st is your last day in office. >> close, early january. >> stephen: and you're moving on to purdue. >> i'm proud to say, one of the great universities of this country. >> stephen: as governor you cut $30 million in purdue's budget is that going to be awkward in the lunch line when you're there? are they going to say sorry the food is so crappy but somebody cut $30 million from our food budget this year. who do you think going to win? >> i don't have a clue. >> stephen: without do you think will win indiana. >> i think governor romney going to win indiana, there is every indication they will. >> stephen: as goes indiana so goes parts of kentucky. well, governor daniels, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) may i -- >> i think frankly you ought to come out to purdue, do the show from there sometime. this will be a reminder for you, it's a-- season you could tell people it stands for pope or something. >> stephen: thank you so much, governor. >> thanks a lot. >> stephen: indiana governor mitch daniels. keeping the republic.
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well's be right back.
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>> good night >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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